Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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