My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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