dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
