You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
