My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
