Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
