i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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