I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
50% drunk capacity currently
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
