i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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