Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize