get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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