Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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