I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's shark week go big or go home
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
