I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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