I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
