Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
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Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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