Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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