Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
