How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
