that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
