She went from zero to smokin in five shots
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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