After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
