I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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