This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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