i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Farmville is her only friend.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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