i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
