Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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