pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
