Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
