id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize