A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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