i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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