her vagina looked like bernie madoff
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
