I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
