There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
