Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
