I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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