Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
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He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
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Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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