Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
