My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
