Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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