that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
