Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
