just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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