Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
