and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
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I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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