so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
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I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
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you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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