Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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