you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
