I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
