watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
