theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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