There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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