My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
