Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
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I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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