i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
