I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
