remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
