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She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
