I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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