I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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